No Such Zone

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Monday, January 02, 2006

The Wonderland: The Horror, the Allure

My Dear Rustan,

Of course you--men like you--think only whores acknowledge thoughts like mine, but let me assure you irrefutably; you're wrong. Perversion is the last best refuge of the chaste, and having put in my time with both the sisters of the Immaculate Christ and the sisters of the hundred dollar night I can assure you as few others can where the stranger passions lie. Whatever vinyl wet dreams they may occasionally entertain, whatever car-crash contortions they may soddeny rag off to, most people most of the time just want to get off in a reasonably efficient fuck-job. A selfish and satisfyingly self-interested spurt. It's normal, human, utterly self-serving and a little pathetic, and that's why women have vibrators and men have whores; because neither demands to share your bed afterwards and neither present any face capable of reproach.

My nipples are hoisted sky-high today, little lures you've never seen. I'm thinking you squeezing them between the sides of your fingers, your thick palms locked over my breasts, fingers spread wide to measure, finally, are my generous curves larger than even your hands or not, and then slowly compressing them in your grip, as you close your hands like gates around them and my nipples slide between your narrowing fingers until only the very red tips are visible peeking through your clenching hands, until your fingertips seek other planes. Until I blush at remembering this desire.


So that's none times out of ten what people want, fast-food fuck, and if women become whores for all kinds of reasons they remain them because they are aware of this fact, are comfortable serving it up. On the rare occasion of variation the fantasy already exists in somebody else's head, and it is not for the call-girl to imagine or thrill to it, only to fill such minor roles are necessary in bringing to pass and the leave ignorant as they arrived. A whore has no more reason to seek out or create new fantasies than a child does new rules; both are already hemmed in by an impossible to understand universe of such things from other people--they don't need or want any more.


Fetishize me. Ribbon-wrap and crystalpaint my status on my skin. I want the wonderland, the horror, the allure.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Miss You Don't Come Back

Dear J,
You were right. Everyone was was right. I hate admitting that. I ignored you and took you for granted and decided that all I used you for was sex. I convinced myself I didn't need you and waved that in your face. Now I don't have you. Now I can't need you. When I was fourteen I convinced myself I didn't need meat and I haven't eaten it in the six years since. And some days I don't eat at all because the only thing that sounds appealing is steak. I miss you and I'm not at all sure I should see you tomorrow, that you should have to see me. I miss you.
Love,
Shana Maydela

Friday, November 18, 2005

02.27.01
12.27.03

Dear Margaret,
Yesterday during the afternoon seance my
dining room table burst abruptly into blue and
purple flames, and the walls were badly
scorched by the time a battalion of sparrows
had spit enough water down to put it out.
Yesterday I was fired from a terrible job.
Really, what do you see me doing anyways?
Summoning other people’s ghosts for the rest
of my life? Lighting cigarettes and waxing
floors? Do you believe people can be
satisfied with artificial fires? When will
tv screens learn to cook my dinner? My
boyfriend is waiting to find out if he
will be a teacher. I’m not too sure
at all exactly what I’m waiting for.

04.25.00
01.09.04

Dear Alice,
I was supposed to go to school today, but I
didn’t. I couldn’t get out of bed, and then I
couldn’t leave my room, and when I finally
could the back door was locked and I couldn’t go
outside. I lost the phone. I decided to stay
home since I couldn’t go anywhere and the cats
might want some company, but all they do is
sleep. Mrs. Graelyn won’t speak to me ‘cause she
knows I’m supposed to be in school and
Topher kept using the litter box while
I was trying to eat breakfast and the
stench was awful. So I yelled and threw things
at her and now she won’t speak to me either.
I sat in a big chair and ate candy and
wore my pyjamas all day. Andy sleeps in his
closet most all the time now. It’s not fair, it
was my idea first, only there’s no room in my
closet ‘cause of everything in it. I think
I’m going to run away and live in a cave
except I can’t leave the house. I wish we
had a basement ‘cause that would be a good
place to hide, plus also there might be a
cave leading off it. Wehave an attic but
it’s just a tiny place for birds and scary
monster things to hide in.
I called a psychiatrist and I’m going
to go see him on Thursday, but that
means missing class again and I have
finals in a week. I’m going to fail everything. It
will be a spectacular failure. When I teach
college I will give everyone naptime and
then we will play dress-up where everyone
has to trade at least 3 articles of clothing
and write about what it’s like to wear
someone else’s style. Then I will pass out
cookies with little chunks of anti-depressants
baked in instead of chocolate chips. Everyone
who wants to will go to calculus and
physics and everyone who doesn’t will play
on the playground, which will be full of big
swings and hammocks and see-saws and tire swings
and saucers. In English/Grammer
classes everyone has to invent a new language and
gets extra credit if they use it all day, and
in Chemistry we’ll practice turning twinkies
into gold and creating new designer drugs.
After lunch the teacher will read us undiscovered
fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm and give
everyone a prize. Then we will all get on a
huge flying carpet which will take us home
again. I can’t wait to take over the
world.
Love,
Shayna Maydela

04.24.00
01.09.04

Dear God,
I know I’m depressed. I want to disapear
myself. I want to curl up in a warm blankety
cave and sleep for a hundred years. I can’t
afford meds and psychiatry, and the therapist
won’t see me, anyways. Could you please help?
I have dreams of cutting off pieces of me,
earlobes, labia, fleshy pre-cellulite chunks of
excess thigh. Of carving me down to my own pure
skeleton. Of burning my skin off with
cigarettes. I just don’t really want to be me
anymore. Could I please wake up as someone
else? If I wish very hard and say all
my prayers and eat my vegetables without
complaining and stand up straight and play with
others in age appropriate manners and
send my grandmas thank you notes for sweaters
and never write little poems about
the smell of rotting flowers with
black crayons on the naked white walls.
If I promise to be very, very good? Could
I just wake up with a happy nuclear
family? I’ll brush my teeth after every meal
and floss daily, I’ll get all my shots
without crying or making a fuss, and I’ll
never, ever tell anyone about the things that
rub/bump against in me in the dark. I’ll
stop eating candy and wear Mary Janes,
I won’t tell anyone I’m a Satanist. I’ll go to
Sunday school and do my homework, I’ll tithe my
allowance cheerfully every week and volunteer in
nursing homes on holidays. I’ll sweep and wash
dishes and keep my room tidy as a pin, if only.
If only I could just wake up in
Pleasantville. In a nice little house off
Main Street. In the American Dream. Maybe I
should just become alcoholic. Anyways, if you
could please try to find a way to help me
then I most surely would appreciate it.
Scuffedly Yours,
Shayna Maydela

04.17.00
01.08.04

Dear God,
There are a lot of things I’d like to know.
Like, how come I don’t have a penise? Or at
least the ability to pee standing up? Why do I
still have such strong feelings for Alice, and why
am I having so many problems getting along
with her beau? Am I going to see or hear from
Chris Welsh again? Why do I fantasize about
women and sleep with men? Why is it so hard
for me to meet women at all? I would just
really like a couple of girlfriends to laugh and
hang out with....Sassi and Fiona and all are
nice, but I would really, really like some
girlfriends a little closer to my own age, and not
so straight. I don’t really have anyone to compare
experiences with as far as all that goes, and I
have the feeling I would be a lot less confused
if I did. And oh, why is my dad such an
asshole? Why don’t I have wings? Why is my
body such a mystery to me? Where did all the
scars come from? How do I know if I’m doing
with my life as I should be? Why haven’t
you struck Billy Graham with a lightening bolt yet?
Is Jesse Helms the Anti-Christ? And many, many
more. Thanks for listening.
Shayna Maydela

02.28.00
12.05.03

Dear God,
Thank you for giving me the chances and
abilities to learn things. And for conversations
with Sir and Alice and kitty-cats to
laugh at. And vibrators and a wild imagination.
And notebooks to write in.
Please help me be a better friend to
Andy, because I know he’s got a lot
going on but we don’t really talk very
much. I think he’s a lot more depressed
than he lets on, maybe more than he
knows.
Please help me be a less judgemental and more
patient person, both with myself and others.
Please help me to accept my parents as part of
my life, and to appreciate what they
are giving and doing for me without feeling like
I literally owe them my life. I know it’s
a lot to ask, but please help me to
stop wishing for them to die. I know it’s not
good, but sometimes it’s comforting.
Please help me make more friends at school-
thank you for getting to hang out with
Elizabeth. Thank you for all the things I’m
too used to to properly appreciate.
Sanguinely,
Shayna Maydela