The Hubris of Faith
02.11.00
12.15.03
Dear God, Dear Aphrodite, Dear Whoever,
I know I’m being greedy in
praying for things for myself but I’ll do it
anyways and you don’t have to grant
anything if it’s not meant to be....could
I please have some good dreams tonight?
I’ve had so many bad ones lately-I
wake up not even wanting to write them
down anymore. I listened to my father's tape, so
now I don’t have that haunting me so
much anymore....but I just keep resentting
him....just keep thinking ‘asshole-asshole-
asshole.’ I know that’s not a good way
to think of your parent, but I tried to
be good for so many years, and it never
seemed to help anything. Actually, I think I
always seemed to do better when I was
being bad or rebellious or whatever. So
now I’m trying, trying to be a good
submissive, only I don’t want to start
depending on Sir for validation like they
were talking about at the support group
last night. But what if I start doing that
without realizing it? I don’t want to put
that on anyone-I hate it when people
do that to me....I’m so used to all
these extremes. Like with the wax - being
afraid or fighting being afraid....maybe this
all goes back to the trust thing too,
somehow. I don’t quite see it, but I’m
sure there’s probably a connection in
there somewhere. Fuck - am I even capable of
trust? How does it work? It’s one thing to
trust someone with my body - that’s not such a
big deal - it’s not like it’s irreplaceable.
And the journal - that’s a big step. But
somehow it still doesn’t quite feel like
trust - I’m not even sure what trust does
feel like, though. Could y’all please
help me to recognize it if it happens?
And please, please help me to find a
red collar tommorow, ‘cause it seems like I’ve
looked everywhere and I really, really don’t
want to fuck up on this one - that would
be a really bad omen.
Thanks for my day - me being able to
get such an assortment of purple stuff -
even if it didn’t turn out quite like I
was hoping, and stuff with Billy going as
unackwardly as it did. Please continue to
smile down on me, I keep looking up.
Hopefully,
Shana Maydela
12.15.03
Dear God, Dear Aphrodite, Dear Whoever,
I know I’m being greedy in
praying for things for myself but I’ll do it
anyways and you don’t have to grant
anything if it’s not meant to be....could
I please have some good dreams tonight?
I’ve had so many bad ones lately-I
wake up not even wanting to write them
down anymore. I listened to my father's tape, so
now I don’t have that haunting me so
much anymore....but I just keep resentting
him....just keep thinking ‘asshole-asshole-
asshole.’ I know that’s not a good way
to think of your parent, but I tried to
be good for so many years, and it never
seemed to help anything. Actually, I think I
always seemed to do better when I was
being bad or rebellious or whatever. So
now I’m trying, trying to be a good
submissive, only I don’t want to start
depending on Sir for validation like they
were talking about at the support group
last night. But what if I start doing that
without realizing it? I don’t want to put
that on anyone-I hate it when people
do that to me....I’m so used to all
these extremes. Like with the wax - being
afraid or fighting being afraid....maybe this
all goes back to the trust thing too,
somehow. I don’t quite see it, but I’m
sure there’s probably a connection in
there somewhere. Fuck - am I even capable of
trust? How does it work? It’s one thing to
trust someone with my body - that’s not such a
big deal - it’s not like it’s irreplaceable.
And the journal - that’s a big step. But
somehow it still doesn’t quite feel like
trust - I’m not even sure what trust does
feel like, though. Could y’all please
help me to recognize it if it happens?
And please, please help me to find a
red collar tommorow, ‘cause it seems like I’ve
looked everywhere and I really, really don’t
want to fuck up on this one - that would
be a really bad omen.
Thanks for my day - me being able to
get such an assortment of purple stuff -
even if it didn’t turn out quite like I
was hoping, and stuff with Billy going as
unackwardly as it did. Please continue to
smile down on me, I keep looking up.
Hopefully,
Shana Maydela
posted by Octavia | 7:03 PM
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